Ayahuasca: a Transformational Night in the Jungle

There are few experiences in life where after experiencing them, we are a different person. This was one for me. But it was NOT easy.

This one night in the jungle was the most intense, profound, and beautiful experience I’ve ever had. In that order. The intensity (and letting myself get to that point, through fear, uncertainty, and pain) opened up space for the insights and beauty. 

I cannot overstate the intensity of getting to this state. Here was my experience and background info as needed. 

Background

• The facility/instructor I went to was recommended to me by 3 separate friends who all have done Ayahuasca in multiple places. They each highly recommended this place. 

• The instructor/shamen, Ruben, is a 6’4” Spanish man who lead us (with 2 helpers) and played beautiful music via guitar and other instruments throughout that set the tone and let us connect to the medicine. It was almost like a concert. The music was amazing. 
• Ruben is the man. I learned after, that he played professional basketball for 30 years in Spain and Argentina. 
• I also learned that a few of the people in this ceremony flew here from Spain just for this ceremony. 
• There were 16 of us sitting in the ceremony which took place in a large outdoor hut covered at the top but you can see outside. The jungle around us was beautiful and filled with noises from birds, animals, etc. 
• We got there at 5 pm and started to drink the first cup at 7:30 pm. Everything was ritualized and part of the ceremony.
• We went into the night and morning. Most people slept for an hour or two at the end. I slept no more than 10 minutes total. 
• With Ayahuasca people often experience connections with ancestors, past trauma, ways to heal, etc. 

The First Cup

The first cup was euphoric. I was smiling ear to ear. And almost laughed a few times, but while wanting to make sure I was being respectful. 

I saw my friend Max opening the side gate for me to his house. He gave me a smile and sort of a wink. I sat with this and connected with him. (He passed away last year). Think this was him helping me step into this experience. 

I saw my friend Zach’s older brother Kyle (who passed away a few years ago). He was dancing with joy and being funny. He was healthy, fit, and happy. This felt nice to see this. 

I took the preparation for Ayahuasca very seriously (cutting caffeine, meat, sugars, etc for 2 weeks). My intention was to go deep. After the first cup, I felt a deep sense of euphoria and almost ecstasy. I had a big smile for most of the first cup. But then I realized I needed to go deeper. I was scared, I didn’t want to overdo it. But I knew I had to go for the second cup. 

The Second Cup

Quick Birth Background:

• At birth, I had Meconium Aspiration Syndrome (MAS), which is when a newborn struggles to breath because meconium is in the lungs. So I was rushed into the ICU after birth where I stayed for 20 days, unsure if I would survive.
• While pregnant, my mom smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and used cocaine throughout her pregnancy (increasing the odds of MAS)

My experience during the ceremony was back in the womb, where I was grabbing on to different things and trying to survive, but nothing was working correctly. I felt like things should be working but they weren’t.

This led to me throughout life not wanting to ask for help. As an infant, I tried screaming for help/for my life and nothing worked. So I had to learn to figure it out on my own. 

It also led me to be unsure at times. When I try a bunch of things, but nothing is working so I might give up without asking for help. But this message of it’s okay to “ask for help” kept appearing.

Worth noting: I have a great relationship with my mom (who has 25+ years clean and is working her healing powers for others in the recovery community and literally saving lives). She just had a hard time toward the beginning of my life. I was able to feel her wounds and emotions from growing up in a household with a strict, abusive father. 

Grandmother

I’ve always had a deep spiritual connection with my maternal grandmother. She passed away when I was 2 years old, but was a very spiritual being. I (as well as others in our family) associate seeing 111s with her presence. (I was also born at 1:11 pm and always have just connected with it)

This also showed up in synchronicities leading me to do Ayahuasca in the first place. It was not in my plans, but sort of came to me in a variety of ways. One (of many) was literally a stranger in the grocery store telling me I’m ready for Ayahuasca.

Another was me walking around contemplating whether to do it and seeing all these 1111s at the exact moment. Right near where I had run into the girl at the grocery… (the list goes on and on)

Ayahuasca is a word in Quechua that means “vine of the soul.” It’s known as the mother of all plant medicines and specifically, it’s the “Grandmother.”

Shortly after the second cup it started storming. We were covered in a hut so we stayed dry, but could feel the energy of the rain in the jungle. This is where things turned up 1,000 notches.

At each point, I kept thinking wow I didn’t know I could FEEL this intensity of emotions. First 10 out of 10, then 12 out of 10. Then 100 out of 10. Imagine taking your iPhone brightness from 1 to 10 (the brightest you thought it could go). But then all a sudden you dial it up to 100 and you need sunglasses to see it and it’s too warm to touch.

There was a specific moment where I was thinking “okay this now is more intense and different than anything I’ve ever done.” I was telling myself to surrender and not to resist. And shortly after I arrived there.

I don’t know how else to describe it except for this was another dimension. Another level of consciousness. I was not in my body or this dimension. Somewhere far greater. Where other sources of energy live across the universe and across time and space. In this dimension you don’t see the faces of people, you feel their energy. They are more than just the bodies we knew them as on Earth. 

It was at this moment when I arrived into this new dimension, that I felt all of my grandmother’s energy and presence. It was as if she was winking at me like “you see what I’ve been doing now? Welcome.” It was as if she sacrificed her own time on earth to play this much bigger game of letting me connect to this new level of consciousness. All surrounded by her love and support. 

Before the ceremony started, the lady sitting directly to my right actually reminded me of my grandmother. Middle-aged, great energy, amazing woman who looked at me and gave me a big hug before the ceremony started. It was so comforting. She reminded me soo much of my grandmother and how she might look or present herself if she were around today at that age. It didn’t take me long to realize that it was her energy placed right next to me to help guide me.  Here’s a picture of us after the ceremony.

Throughout the ceremony I was facing fear and so scared. The frequency of this dimension is so intense and hard to even describe. But then I’d often notice this lady (my grandmother) next to me to help guide me through it. She was like an angel or protector. 

Facing Fears 

A common part of Ayahuasca is the purge. Most often this is vomiting, but it also can be diarrhea, sweating, etc. It represents letting go of past trauma or “unblocking” or “releasing” it and therefore healing.

I did not vomit, but I did purge. 

We were in a large circle under the hut and it was pitch black. There was a small fire pit in the middle that they’d periodically kindle. It served as a reminder for me that I was in this dimension and to come back into it and sit up on my mat. After going to the other dimension I had to remember/relearn the rules of this dimension. (For example, my point of view or consciousness which is connected to my body.) Still when I looked around here I couldn’t see faces, instead just feel people’s energies. I also couldn’t walk and could barely stand up. I had to relearn. 

Worth noting that just being in this new dimension is intense. Everything is dialed up and extreme. From the feelings I felt to even just sitting there. It was as if the normal frequency of what we know as reality is a 1. And this frequency was 1000. The difference in energy between walking vs a rocket ship. 

I now felt similar to when I was back in the womb and I was pressing on things trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. I was scared and wanted help. But I was too afraid/ didn’t know how to ask. 

At this point, I knew my objective. I had to go pee SOOO bad. I had already gone a little in my pants. I knew how blissful I would feel after and that this was the purge I needed to release. Except I didn’t know how to walk.

I would muster up the courage to stand up. And I was hoping someone would come get me to help me. (Remember it’s pitch dark and people are throwing up and some are probably screaming.) Then I would either sit back down or sort of stumble back down. I kept fighting this. It was just like the days in the womb or as a baby. I wanted and knew I had to learn how to figure things out again. I was just scared. At this point the people to my right and left were not there anymore. They were outside or purging somewhere. So it was just me and my objective. 

As a kid, one of my nicknames was “bucket head”. Because I would, well, take any bucket and put it on my head lol. This struck me as everyone was given a bucket at the beginning of the ceremony to vomit into. So here I was, exactly like I started life, just me and my bucket, trying to figure out the world. Overcome with fear and uncertainty.

After fighting this for what felt like hours (maybe it was) I knew what I had to do. I had to overcome my fear of not being able to do something and just do it anyway. I had to at least make the effort and I can ask for help along the way. I was afraid to try to walk because I didn’t know how and I didn’t want to look dumb or hurt myself. But I had to do it anyway. At least I had to try. This represented a big part of my life and I had to go for it. 

I don’t know what it was (more on this below), but I finally just stood up, halfway got my balance, and took a few steps. I WAS FINALLY DOING IT! Still scared and not really knowing what I was doing, but I knew I had to try. Finally, after about 7 steps, I felt a calm presence behind me. It was one of the facilitators Mila. She may as well have been my guardian angel. She put her arm around me and helped me walk. I’m pretty sure I said, “OMG this is soo much easier now. Thank you thank you.” And let out a HUGE sigh of relief. 

I still didn’t know how to walk, but Mila was helping me so it felt safe and so much easier. We got outside and she was asking me what I needed. I told her I just need to go pee. But I didn’t know where. After stumbling through the jungle (and her telling me to look up at the stars and trees which was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life and will never forget) we finally made it to the bathroom. She then gave me a quick rub and tug and we went back into the hut. Just kidding, just making sure you’re reading still. I sat down and peed and it was the most blissful sensation I could imagine. I was SO proud of myself for completing this seemingly impossible mission. I knew everything was going to be okay from here. No idea how long I was in there, but finally stood up and was able to hobble back into the hut with Mila’s help and thanking her probably 10 times. She is a wise, beautiful, nurturing soul. 

Lance 

Upon let’s say “arriving” in this new dimension I saw/felt energy or souls in a new way. There was my grandmother’s energy which was abundant and spread throughout space and time in this new dimension (which was sort of like the bigger version of what is out there). This energy is more like shooting stars than like humans. 

Growing up my dad had a best friend named Lance. I didn’t really know him super well, but knew him for years and always loved it when he was around. He was a black dude and was just cool and smart. (He passed away a few years ago.) I’ve always had a connection with black people. I remember in elementary school reading this MLK book and realizing I connected with this black heritage stuff wayy more than any of my classmates. I’ve thought maybe because blacks and Jews were both discriminated against or something. 

Anyway, after arriving in the dimension I felt my grandmother’s energy first. But then I also felt Lance’s energy. It was a similar energy of Stuart Scott (someone I’ve always had a deep connection with after reading his book) or Kobe Bryant’s black mamba energy.

Then I had a beautiful realization. Shortly after Lance passed a few years ago, I had a new black friend enter my life. His name is Gabe. We sort of just clicked and have a ton of mutual love and appreciation for each other. He is one of the people I trust greatly and who had done Ayahuasca at this same retreat center, which was one of the reasons I was open to doing this crazy journey. The realization was that I had my Lance. This same beautiful energy that my dad had, now was showing up in my life directly. I was so happy and proud to have my friend Gabe. 

I also am just remembering something that helped me stand up and take that first step to go to the bathroom when I was so scared. I remember thinking about Lance’s energy and Kobe’s black mamba energy. Something sort of switched in me where I had confidence in myself and my ability to try things. I suppose it was actually courage. This was awesome.

Health is Number 1

My sense of purpose or direction was very clear and I kept coming back to this: Health is number one. It’s what barely kept me alive after birth and it’s the thing that is most important. How could it not be? 

I realized I’m in pretty good shape and have been for a while, but I also could get super cut if I put more effort into it. That’s what I’m going to do next.

Health is number one. Which includes physical health and mental health. 

This presented something I grappled with — what role does alcohol play in my life? If health is number one and is part of my higher-level purpose, then how can I keep drinking? I don’t drink much these days anyway but was an interesting new lens. 

It made me appreciate my friend Jordan, for stopping alcohol 5 years ago and our relationship showed me how cool / much stronger connections can be without the booze.  Same goes with many other sober people I’ve met recently.

I was realizing that I have some friends in my life that I normally would drink with and will have to figure out how I approach this. I played with just one beer vs nothing. But kept coming back to health is number one. 

I also got excited to go back to Austin to get into the health/wellness scene. Thought about starting a weekly running club (6am on Friday mornings or something around the lake). Or hiring a personal trainer to lift with. Likely both. 

Have a lot of friends I can start running with as a social aspect too in order to catch up with people, intro people, meet new people, etc. This gets me excited.

Asking for Help

While I often resist asking for help, I couldn’t help but notice how many amazing people I have in my life that can help me if I ask.  Similar to my grandmother or Mila helping me to the bathroom.

At work: there’s a list of 5+ people that can either help me with my job and/or side biz.

Reintegration: I was excited to have my friend Eliza in Playa who is an amazing soul and already offered to help me reintegrate (she’s very familiar with plant medicines and healing modalities).

And so many more. 

Connections

I have a list of literally 30+ people I want to reach out to and tell them either what they mean to me and/or that I appreciate them.

Many of which I have specific personal messages for which I will leave out of this post for privacy.

Note: I’m not going to get to everyone, don’t be offended if I don’t reach out to you! The main takeaway was me just feeling these connections and love.

Scared for My Life 

My friend Kyle who has done many ceremonies drove us into the jungle for this one. He has a BMW X2 and was driving pretty quickly on the way there. 

During the ceremony, shortly after seeing my grandmother’s and Lance’s energy in its eternal form, I saw how energy can live on.

I then had a horrifying premonition about the drive back. About if we were to get into an accident and if my time was cut short on Earth. I thought about my legacy or impact or what it may (or may not) be. Similar to my grandma having her time cut short. 

This was so scary. I realized I wasn’t ready to go yet. Not even close. 

I also thought that this would be a dumb way to go out. Further, I realized the danger of taking this powerful medicine, staying up all night, then driving back an hour the next morning. 

I shared this feeling the next morning with Kyle and Pierce before we left. And made a point to be sooo careful, please. Spoiler: we made it. 

But this feeling and experience almost gives me a second chance on life. I’m so grateful for that. 

All the Feelings

Part of the beauty of this whole experience was feeling all the feelings and emotions. At the MOST intense levels. 

Literally from me in the womb, to seeing my potential death. And everything in between.  

I deeply felt other people’s feelings. So many emotions and so intensely. 

I literally felt the pain and suffering of other people. I was forgiving anyone in my life I maybe was judging or holding resentment towards (unbeknownst to me before).

Many people. Even my mom’s second husband who physically and verbally abused her for years. I saw and felt his pain as a child wanting love and attention from his mother but never receiving it. This forced me to not keep holding onto this and to let go through forgiveness.

I even forgave myself at times. (Or tried to at least.) I played a horrible joke on someone in elementary school I’d never forgiven myself for. I thought about reaching out to this boy’s mom to apologize. 

I felt for my mom’s partner Dan, entering our family when I was in junior high. I probably gave off some you’re-not-my-dad-or-my-boss type energy back then and could’ve been more welcoming and mature. I wanted to apologize for that as I felt how that must’ve been a hard situation to come into.

Austin and Leveling Up

The last few months I was feeling some resistance about potentially going back to Austin. Partially because of figuring out the logistics of finding a place and/or renting a car. And maybe sticker shock of more expensive places vs what I’ve had during travel.

But then realized that it’s a great level up. How it’s important for me to find a dope place I love. And to happily pay up for that. It also can maybe be tied to making more with side biz. It was fun to feel my energy shift from resistance to excitement.

Experimenting and Sharing

I love a good recap. In general, after any event to understand what went well or areas to improve.

I found myself narrating this experience early on which made it harder for me to go deep and surrender. Once I got into it, I was able to better experience it. But I also went back to how I will share this with the amazing people in my life. And/or share through other forms of content. I really enjoy this process.

I thought about recording a podcast with my mom to share my feelings from the womb up until now and maybe learn more about some of her recovery work. I thought about sharing on my blog and newsletter. Perhaps other forms.

I thought about how I love experimenting with things and sharing my learnings. Even this experience with Ayahuasca. It’s hard, but that makes it more fulfilling. Especially when others can potentially improve from it. 

I thought about other things I want to do or learn. Hiring a trainer and sharing the process or overall health. Maybe going to a cooking school, hiring a swim coach, a dance coach, etc. Maybe not all tied to content, we’ll see. 

Energy Cycle

At one point after realizing the energy of my grandmother and of Lance, I was noticing how some of it was a part of me too. I wondered if this was my grandmother showing me this or was this me showing it to myself? 

If you’ve seen The Egg on Youtube then you’re familiar with this concept (highly recommend it). Basically that all energy sources are constantly transforming and transitioning from one form to another. This idea promotes a sense of interconnectedness and unity among all life forms, emphasizing that we are all part of the same cosmic energy system. (So every time you harm someone, you harm yourself. Every time you help someone, you help yourself.) I resonate with that.

The Process

A few times when I was deep in it, Ruben or a facilitator would be kneeling over my mat asking if I was okay. Ha I dunno how long or what I was doing, but I quickly would get back to my body and tell them “ah todo bien, perfecto. Muchas gracias” letting them know I was all good and giving them a thumbs up. Seemed maybe like coming in and out of the matrix. 

After sunrise, I went to the bathroom (on my own!) outside. Most people were asleep inside and the medicine was wearing down a bit. But it still was not easy to walk. I was proud of myself for being able to do this mission on my own now. I also was fascinated by the outdoors. 

I sat down near the outdoor firepit and noticed a huge bird above me. He was fighting some prey. I realized this was just the natural part of life. The same way I was trying to survive in the womb, we’re all just animals trying to survive. 

Conclusion

So what happened here?

Maybe this was just a random hallucinogenic experience which is what happens when you combine sleep deprivation with hallucinogenic substances. 

But maybe there’s more to it. 

It’s like we’re all playing a video game from our own first-person perspective. Then this medicine shows us views from other perspectives. Not only about people in our life (and feeling their emotions) but also perspective on how we entered this game and what goes into this character we each are playing life as. 

As known in physics, the law of conservation of energy states energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be transformed. So maybe we move around and share energy with certain “people” more than others. After all, we’re all just a bunch of balls of energy running around a rock floating through space.

Unplugging or entering a new “dimension” as I described, sounds wild. In some parts it was and it is. But also, we leave our own perspective for 8 hours every day when we sleep. So we literally do this same thing (enter some other dimension) for a third of our life! So is it really that wild? 

Why is meditating “good” for us? Maybe it’s good to take a break from our constant first-person perspective and connect back with the energy that created us. Something bigger than just our first-person body and perspective. Maybe this brief unplugging or reset process allows us to get more out of the hardware that is our mind and body.

Maybe it’s also why as humans we like drugs and altering our state of consciousness. We know we are more than our single perspective and perhaps look for different tools (or substances) to get outside of it or alter it. 

Today (two days after the ceremony). I saw a local man finish his beer in broad daylight and throw the can on the grass next to the sidewalk and kept walking. I was shocked. In what world would he think that is okay?  But I couldn’t judge him. Who was I to judge his circumstances? I have no idea the pain, suffering, or limitations he experienced as a child or likely still experiences.

I believe everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have available. For me, Ayahuasca was another tool for me to understand myself and to understand this universe and this game called life. For that, I am forever grateful. 

In good health,
Mitchell 

Disclaimer 

• Everything here is just my own experience. Everyone is different. It felt right for me and that’s all I can say. 
• I can’t overstate the intensity of the experience. Other people around you are screaming in terror or loudly vomiting what sounds like everything in their body. 
• We’re in the jungle, so there are also spiders and scorpions
• Some people are screaming so loud that the facilitators need to take them outside. 
• This is not an endorsement, please do your own research

Family specific 

• Grandpa Jack: I felt the fear, adventure, and intensity of him as a fighter pilot in WW2
• Nona: I felt the pain and love through her hands. The hands which were constantly at work making food, sewing stuff, and/or helping others. 
• Grandpa Don. Saw a younger version of him having fun, playing or joking around in his new energy form. sort of twisted humor. 
• Jeanie. I felt her pain. I deeply felt it. An intense sense of loss or crippling. Fragile. 

Siblings

• Toby: I have so much love and appreciation for my older brother. When I lost touch with my ability to figure things out at a young age, I’d look to him to see how things worked.
• Mason: felt his confusion and pain on what it must’ve been like growing up and not knowing his father (but knowing the stories of abuse). Also, having a connection with both of my grandmothers, I felt bad for him not having that (or as much).
• Iszabel: felt her energy coming into this world in a foreign place (born in Hungary) and navigating that as a baby with her mother.
• Alex: felt proud of him for exploring the world and how hard it must’ve been to come into a new family, but has embraced it like a champ.