Family Math

I started doing “Family Math” the other week to calculate what age my parents will be when I’m 35, 40, 50, etc.

It’s a simple exercise and the impact was surprisingly visceral (strongly suggest it).

But then this morning I got a call from my best friend.

Not a good call.

In fact, it was the worst type of call.

He called to tell me his brother just died.

His brother was 35.

My heart literally stings. It feels like there’s a tangled rope full of knots in my stomach.

I understand why they call the gut our “second brain.” Separate from the brain, yet deeply connected.

The enteric system lines the digestive tract, which consists of millions of neurons that communicate with the brain and let us feel the emotions that our brain is dealing with. That’s why your stomach gets ‘clenched up’ in knots when you’re stressed or you ‘feel butterflies’ when you’re too excited.

Grief is a strange concept when you think about it.

Traditionally, we grieve when people are gone. Rather than celebrate while they’re here.

Andrew Garfield says “grief is unexpressed love.”

Many people see grief as pain. They avoid it, suppress it, or race to process it so they can expel it from their lives.

Here’s a beautiful alternative: grief is unexpressed love.

Holding onto it is a way of staying close to the people we’ve lost.pic.twitter.com/yskjkejDNJ

— Adam Grant (@AdamMGrant) November 24, 2021

It’s crazy how quickly the loss of life immediately changes perspective. Like a flip of the light switch.

One moment it’s shining bright and everything’s normal. The next moment it’s pitch black.

A few days ago I was doing family math. Trying to plan and see how much time is left together with my parents.

It was a great exercise and really made me think… but in reality, it was just that. An exercise. And real life can be much messier.

Family math get’s us part of the way there. It helps us realize that time is limited and this show comes to an end. The light switch turns off.

However, the real beauty in life is in each moment. Not planning for them in the future. But doing them now.

Hugging your family. Being there for your friends.

Jalen Rose says, “people will bring flowers to your funeral, but won’t bring soup when you’re sick.”

So think about your own family math. But don’t get caught up in it.

Instead, think about how you can show up with soup and not wait for the flowers.

Tell your people you love them. Hug them tight.

Because our time here goes quick and the only thing we really have is this moment today.

Much love.